How much difference can a week make? Not much, but enough to put a non-toothed smile on my face.

The Improv on Thursday was great, thanks to all who came out (not “out” that way, but physically). Packed house and a great line-up of comedians we all know and love, plus a live band and frisky ladies.

Then on Friday I was summoned (grammer?) to the Beverly Hills Hotel. Tom Arnold requested my services to help roast Ed McMahon and James Cameron of Titanic and True Lies fame.

On the dais with me: Bob Saget, Judy Tenuda, Ralphie May, Bob Zany, Craig Shoemaker, a couple high-end producers and a movie stunt guy.

Ten bucks to valet, welcome to the large time!

Jeff Ross couldn’t be there, he was too busy roasting the ashes of Buddy Hackett.

People, it’s a roast!

Went up first, did well with my old people, plastic surgery and flu shot bits, took it easy on Jim and Ed. I don’t know them and the crowd didn’t know me, played it safe and smart.

Everyone else was really dirty and shocking. Bob Saget said the f-word at least six times. And no, he doesn’t do Olson Twin material.

Judy Tenuda was great too, super nice, even without the accordion.

Usually don’t put two photos of myself in the same entry, but I had no choice. They helped move the story along and I was tired of writing.

I’m my own everything, if I don’t do it, nobody will.

Why am I second guessing?

It’s a vicious bicycle.

word play = done for the night

Gavin McGraw and Maroon 5 are virtually interchangeable.

Oh, they’re not? It’s American Jamiroquai.

They’re both talented and I enjoy the songs, just trying to be honest with you.

Don’t let Top 40 punk you!

…and now back to Gideon Yago.

My new Hanson? Busted. I couldn’t stop laughing at these kids. When you see the video you’ll understand what I’m saying.

Sounds like Bowling for Soup but without the really fat guy.

If you’re over thirty-nine, you’ve stopped reading this by now (more likely last YEAR).

Still can’t link a fudge’n thing! – it would definitely support my points and enhance your experience on this site.

Trust me, I know the net.

*this is a satirical comment, an attempt at humor, no disrespect to those who lost loved ones. You can thank Frank, my old roommate and fireman for this disclaimer.

What can I say, God bless New England, Dunkin Donuts and the Jimmy Fund.

As far as the Yankees are concerned, now it’s officially a rivalry.

Won’t rain on the parade, you gotta be happy for those folks.

Curt Schilling is a MAN.

More later…

Anyway, tonight at the Improv, just added – Chris Hardwick and possibly Judah Friedlander. Show starts after 10, around ten bucks or so to get in, expect a large crowd and party after at a former SNL cast member’s house. Special ladies get the invite.

Right now, me go night-night, sleepy.

I have a pleather comforter, great deal at Z Gallerie.

*So I moonlight once in a while, what’s the big deal?

Do you dislike Comedy Central?

Yes?

Then don’t watch this, it’s me in a pilot.

Have I confused anyone with my wordy wordings?

Probably not.

Need Quicktime and an open mind for my newest vids.

Why is nobody watching my third Kilborn?

Do you like National Lampoon and the Game Show Network?

No?

Well, if you do, I was on this.

Doing some web maintenance tonight, found a couple typos. Thanks for the heads-up (all none of you). Nice to know people read this site, inner circle not included (and I only have three of those – Marcia, Lance and Jared).

http://www.whatevs.org/

http://www.fredarmisen.com/

And it has little or nothing to do with the Red Sox, who won despite Manny Ramirez. He’s embarrassing to watch in the field, maybe even worse on the base paths, and he makes 20 million dollars a year. Let’s not forget, the Boston payroll is only second or third to the Yankees, they ain’t poor.

That being said, the Sox were victorious again, I give credit where credit is due.

Oh, and next time you see Boston third base coach Dale Sveum, tell him I said hi. “Sway-mer” is a good guy, gave me thirty bucks for cab fare one night after we partied at Dorien’s on the Upper East Side. Class act, for real.

Back to me…

A great Saturday, ran errands, ate by myself, coffee alone, missed workout, under-tweezed brow, raced to the Comedy Store for a 11:30pm spot in the Main Room (didn’t go up til 12:15).

Bobby Lee, Ahmed Ahmed, Maz Jobrani, Bret Ernst and Joe Rogan provided supportive energy for me, solid folk. My set was fine, half the audience got it, the other half didn’t, usually the case. Comedians enjoy watching me because I strain myself and the crowd for each and every chuckle. Yeah I’m able to pull it off, but at what cost?

After, headed to a party near USC, bunch of comedy types. It’s 1am, hoping to make last call (thanks California!), press some flesh and say hello to other more successful writers and performers.

Can’t find the place, literally drove in a squared circle for over 45 minutes! Even called 411 and friend (they never pick up) for the address, still couldn’t locate! Not the greatest neighborhood either, just asking for trouble.

Finally around 1:40, and still looking for the bar, a black cat crosses in front of me on Washington and Western, a sign from above (or below?) to head home.

On top of this, I know of another party in the Hollywood Hills – couldn’t find this one either.

What a F*#KING waste of a night!

What do I do? For starters, speed home hoping for a ticket, then punish my diet with Taco Bell and a flat diet pepsi.

Now I’m here.

Going on three days of sobriety, I still drink beer, just don’t get drunk. No smoke either, of any kind. Completely off meds too, do I need to register with the county or something?

Basically I have no-reason depression (tied in with OCD), always have and it sucks. No prom in high school and rarely enjoyed college parties, even though I was on the baseball team (btw, barely played). Seattle was more of the same, except for the cable access show with my comedy pal, Teina Manu.

We could have been something, we had a following, oh well.

What else…

I probably won’t meet a woman/girl till I’m 45 or so, most likely through some online dating service, don’t wanna settle, sure I will.

Also, my hair is falling out, I grind my teeth which were too small to begin with (two orthodontists told me this), laser burns on my cheeks and various non-detectable mental issues.

But I’m a catch!

This entry is getting too long, still wanna bitch about my “career”.

In closing, I’m only funny to those who know me or to the brave few forced to observe my craft at least once or twice, maybe even three times.

Basically I’m screwed.

Just had a conversation with a high ranking Yankee official, he said they choked, so there ya go.

I guess they did.

Starting pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals, Jeff Suppan, he went to high school literally four minutes (moderate traffic) from my front door. And their first base coach, Dave McKay, I was teammate with his son in college, Cody.

This is why I root for the Cards.

Oh, and Larry Walker, right fielder for St. Louis, he’s from Vancouver, B.C. Back in the early 90’s I competed in a baseball tournament. Where you ask?

How’s about Kamloops? Look that up on AtlasQuest!

Here’s the deal, I’m okay with the Red Sox winning the World Series, just not this year. The Yankee collapse at the hands of Boston and the election literally days after the final out.

It’s a recipe for disaster, for more reasons than you’ll ever know.

Gotta run, back to the Cardinal media guide, looking for more inane personal connections.