Final preparations are in full swing for my historic seven-day/eight-night excursion to Jacksonville, FL.

I will physically witness Super Bowl Week, laminate MY credential!

*pre-packing meal, eat Subway alone in a Vons parking lot, check
*fourteen socks, five being white and new Nikes from Urban Outfitters, check
*three kilos of angel dust, check
*and four separate Axe body spray mini’s, check

I’ll do my best to find a computer in Jax. In advance, thanks for your understanding.

Thankful for your understanding? Who cares??!! What, I’m trying to please some kid in Texas who wants more photos? And a South African traveler in Europe wanting my Calendar updated?

Yeah, that’s who cares.

Just had a moment of clarity.

It’s one thing forgetting to turn off your cell phone in a restaurant…

But testing out ring tones over a mixed green?

That was ridiculous – welcome to my lunch.

*went with “When the Saints Go Marching In” on rye

Hello staff, Brody here…

Upfront, wanna say sorry for my erratic posting schedule, and it may only get worse.

Still winding down from my Arizona trip, simultaneously gearing up for the Super Bowl. Eight days in Jacksonville! – gonna see Huey Lewis and the News, Cool and the Gang, plus Jon Secada and .38 Special.

I’m sensing a county fair vibe – who wants dipped and fried Snickers on a Stick?

Two items from my trip to Tempe:

1) We raised 15,000 dollars for the ASU Baseball team, and One-Hundred of those dollars will be going to Tsunami Aid.

*I used that line at our banquet. Nobody laughed.

2) Heard about a girl I knew who “hooked up” with Scott Peterson.

More cool stories, check back soon.

*not impressed, he traveled

So yesterday I’m working at THE show, you know, Best Darn Sports on Fox.

Usually, as a way of connecting with the audience, I love to ask them what or where they went to high school (yes, this is part of my “act”). Mic in hand, I just go into the chairs, seats, tables or bleachers, randomly selecting startled participants. It’s a simple ice breaker that generates full studio chuckles.

So yesterday, for example, we had a crowd made up of mostly Marines from Camp Pendleton.

And it went…

me: what high school did you go to?
him: Wilson Juneau Academy
me: Alaska
him: yes
me: played baseball, six weeks in Fairbanks, midnight sun game

next…

me: where did you go to high school?
him: Battle Creek Christian
me: Kellogg, Michigan – am I correct? – My mother, born in Detroit.
him: yes

and another…

me: where did you go to high school?
HER: I’m from Brazil
me: (whisper) mmm, I love soccer and the internet, hello

over there…

me: where did you go to high school?
her: Knoxville, Tenn.
me: bought fireworks at Dollywood

See how it works?

me: what high school did you go to
him: Dobson in Mesa, Arizona
me: just there, flew outta Sky Harbor last night. Does this ring a bell?
him: yes

And finally…

me: what high school did you go to?
him: Columbine

Let me stop here, he said COLUMBINE.

Complete Silence.

He was a Marine and yes he went to Columbine. So I followed it up with the question everybody instantly had on their mind. Was he there?

So I asked it – “were you there?”

him: yes

Yes, he was there for that day. Again, more uncomfortable awkward silence.

What’s a performer to do?

To change the mood of the crowd, to gets its collective mind off that horrible disaster in Colorado and reintroduce a fresh focus on humor in the present – I had no choice but to order a group of Marines recently back from Iraq to think good thoughts, “let’s clean the palette boys, positive images”.

And I told them to “think of the war”.

Yes, THINK OF THE WAR.

More silence you say?

No way.

We all laughed a huge sigh of relief.

Seriously, the Columbine coincidence was a moment bristling with tension, and the Marines being who they are, allowed me to use them as a personal buoy in a sea of of hell created solely over my refusal to tell jokes.

Say or feel whatever you want, but none of us can do the job those guys are doing.

They’re braver than me.

Brody: switching focus

*spelled Joe’s name wrong, can’t change right now, it’s THEISMAN – my bad and unprofessional

…and the guy not wearing a Quicksilver shirt, he QB’d the Redskins to Super Bowl glory – also heard and seen on ESPN, basically daily.

*Dan Fouts was cut out of this photo – he’s to my right

It’s just a screen capture from the latest Steve-O video.

*graphic photo and it’s wrong – Kids, scroll quick! – btw, only water on the ground.

Is he body surfing?

Okay, I went too far.

Now I’m worse than the photo.

You’ve turned on me.

Seriously, what were they thinking? – Stupid and it’s REALLY bad press.

(in terms of going with this entry, I think the cons have outweighed the pros – but I trust my gut, which is empty. Chinese or Subway?)

This struck me as funny…

Thermometers registered a low of 54 degrees below zero at Embarrass, Minn.

Not fitting, but in the realm. Maybe Vicious or Brutal, that would be more ironic.

Not quite the same relationship heat has with Death Valley, but one of the rare few to stand up and be counted.

Be proud Embarrass, be proud.

These two (Jeff Kent and Natasha Lyonne) stole their kids back from a North Carolina foster home, at gun point.

They’re on the run from the law.

Approach with caution – distract with the poems of Jefferson Airplane.