Compliments of my sister Stephanie, and in front of our feeble Mother on top of it. So I come home on this fourth day of Hanukkah, following a fantastic pancake/omelet breakfast at the local greasy spoon with dear mother. Gave her some rent cash (September was rough), pumped fresh middle grade unleaded fuel into her gold Avalon and chatted about life and the birds as we noshed on a restaurant patio facing Ventura Boulevard.

Mother and son connecting, just like commercials and TBN sitcoms.

Once digested, we arrive back home where Stephanie awaits for her prey, I mean US to return after our breaking of bread and sipping of ground cocoa beans (mom loves decaf!).

So we park and go upstairs, through the kitchen and into the living/dining room area where I decide to open some windows and get a little cross current going. Our family condo was a touch stuffy, that’s all.

Hey, why not turn on a fan, the one above the dining room table? And that’s what I did. Stephanie says turn it off, “it’s there for show” – only used for it’s lighting capabilities – “BECAUSE it doesn’t rest flat against the ceiling”. Therefore, when the fan is turned on and used, it can “fall down” (spinning outta control) from the ceiling onto the dining room table.

Get it?

It doesn’t lie flush due to the Northridge Earthquake back in January 1994. Stephanie put it up herself after the disaster and it’s been there ever since, not being used by her for over 10 years.

(A little background, I’ve been staying here for five years and the fan works just fine

Bottom line, it’s not gonna fall – jeez. And if it’s faulty, get it repaired! Why is it up there in the first place? I even said, if it breaks, I’ll fix it. But no, she goes nuts, telling me to F-off and get out, this isn’t your place, I’m bi-polar, etc…

Then Mom comes outta the bathroom getting on me saying that’s no way for a son to act, move out, stop the yelling, I need help, etc…

Irrational and Unbelievable. (hey, Mom what about the last two hours without Stephanie? – I was nice and calm, a pleasure to be around, usually am)

Yes, within three months I leave Tarzana, but why get so brazen with your insults and actions, Stephanie? She never tries, and when she does, she quits, runs away or flips out.

(to be fair, I do say some mean things – but only after my buttons are pushed, time after time) – Personally, I can’t ignore defective behavior, especially when it involves me dealing with a family member. Somebody has to take a stand, right?

Just be nice and don’t let your neurosis bleed over into my functional life – No wonder EVERY male in this family has heart problems.

Again in the end, it all lands back on my desk. I’m only trying to have a “normal” family existence. It’s very hard to do when you have a sibling who refuses to try and a Mother unable to dole out logical advice.

Yes, it bothers me.

And you’ve just read reason #82 why Stephanie will not be in my child’s life.

But first I gotta net a girlfriend and take the 310 plunge!

Just wanna let ya know, tonight I’ll be at the Improvisation on Melrose in Hollywood, USA – show starts at 8pm, I go on later, like a larger act at Coachella.

Mom and sister went up to Solvang for a day or two. So let’s party, stay up late and watch Leno! – I hear Ross the Intern is on tonight.

Oh, Goody.

Mark this monitor, I WILL NOT make my return to TV thru one of these VH-1/CMT commentary shows, unless they ask. Do I make myself clear?

Gonna throw a bullpen today with a professional baseball staff member who’ll be sharing pinstripes with Johnny Damon this year. Last night, we ate cake, tacos and peanuts with the Weaver Brothers, Jeff and Jared (of the Dodgers and Angels, respectively). I influence these guys in a positive way – Don’t want them to end up like Jeff Reardon, and they won’t! – Not on my watch.

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Here in the Valley dodging drizzle, sitting home stressing for no apparent reason – actually there is one.

Lack of jungle + gym exercise, diminished supplement intake, less mic time and growing procrastination regarding online and over the phone bill payments.

Need new checks, still getting used to my latest Visa card, plus last week’s youth baseball camp threw me off. Glad I did it though, I’m quite philanthropic when I need to be.

No more self-sabotage! – Today I take action. So who’s gonna help me iron 23 shirts?

I’m good with the kids, had only about five cases of tears this year – we hustle and deal with failure!

For breakfast, Mom and I went out for bagels while my sister slept upstairs. For dinner, I go to my friend’s house while Stephanie cooks Mother burnt something (kidding, she makes fantastic SpaghettiOs).

Last night, Mom takes me out for Chicken Parm while Stephanie stayed back and got chocolate from her best friend Sandy.

See a pattern?

Honestly, sometimes it can be hard not having a brother or father supporting me with realistic male energy – luckily I’ve been able to ship in a Jew from Philadelphia.

Yes, a young Mr. Belvedere – we’re gonna see Steven Spielberg’s Munich together.

Will he get 70? – check back with me BEFORE Espn News, I’m watching live for you! – end of 3rd Period: Kobe Bryant 62, Dallas Mavericks 59

So many movies, Heath Ledger is already kissing chicks in his new flick and Gyllenhaal is prepping for the Jarhead DVD press junket. Us Brokebackers feel used.

Coach-pitched 7 innings today against two teams of 9-11 year olds. A confusing sentence in the shadow of New York City’s transit strike. No, I’ll never forget. (L-Train 1997-2000) Bronzed my first Metrocard, placed in a time capsule at a local Mailbox, etc.

And btw, Kobe didn’t get 70, or even 65. Phil (the coach) sat him for the fourth and final period. Boo. A no-hitter, or going for the cycle… Could you imagine a Major League manager taking that possible pleasurable moment away from the fans? That’s why America loves baseball and wire taps.