*honestly

Just got done having Subway for dinner. Ate half, froze the other.

Car is in the shop, I turned down the loner…

…because I am one.

“Hello, need a single for Dave Matthews at the Bowl please”

The always hilarious
Jimmy Pardo was electric last night, thanks to light and air conditioning - also with a little help from several pillars of the inside Hollywood comedy scene. And yes, this includes ME.

Told you I was gonna be more confident and outspoken about it 2006. This is what you wanted, I have delivered the goods! Now it’s your turn to pay me, or else.

Jeez, I just made a violent blanket statement attacking those who SUPPORT me. Why do I hurt such beautiful and gentle people - like Carl from the 5th Ward in Dallas?

I’m sorry Carl.

Shame on you.

-at least that’s what a caller from Renton once said

By Bill Shaikin, LA Times Staff Writer - May 15, 2006

Some excerpts…

It’s a gloomy Sunday morning, overcast and gray, a day made for sleeping in. But this is game day for the guys who scoff at softball, the doctors and lawyers and salesmen and teachers of the Los Angeles Men’s Senior Baseball League.

They come to play on a junior college field, with clumps of green and patches of brown in the outfield, with a parking lot behind left field and trailers behind center field. The Valley Mets squeeze into the first base dugout, on three benches, with a chain-link fence for back support.

Yes, that is Jose Canseco, wearing his familiar No. 33. His days as a feared major league slugger are behind him, but not so far that he has any business swinging an aluminum bat. But this league plays with aluminum bats, so Canseco wags a 35-inch, 32-ounce model as he lets the first two pitches go by.

On the third pitch, he swings. The ball is gone in an instant, over the left-field fence and a second fence behind it, so far gone that one of the Mets runs out to measure how far the ball traveled by walking it off.

Canseco’s two-run home run, in the top of the first inning, gives the Valley Mets a 3-0 lead. In the bottom of the inning, the Mets give the lead back, and more. The second baseman drops a pop fly. The catcher throws a ball into center field. The shortstop overthrows first base. And Canseco, in left field, can’t stop a ball rolling at him. After one inning, the Mets trail, 5-3.

That was me pitching for the Valley Mets! - Shaikin (the writer) never rips me, he knew I was holding my own, considering it was a rehab start and most of the runs were unearned.

Remember my May 7th entry? - NOW do you believe me?

Wanna see the bruise?

Here’s a joke…

Mexican President Vicente Fox called Bush to discuss border issues. This is true. What do think Bush did? He tapped and taped the call. (insert several layers of chuckles) Fox used Vondage (love the ads!), and there you have it. Someone rush this over to Leno!

Tomorrow (TUESDAY 8:30pm) I’m doing Comedy Death-Ray at UCB with Jimmy Pardo and…

Mary Lynn RAJSKUB –>24
Paul F. TOMPKINS –>understands humor and creates it
Todd GLASS –>creates humor and understands it
Boris HAMILTON –>commercials and Conan

If you have the LA Times on-line, try this link for the full Canseco story.

strangely, not many views

-this training video picks up steam half way in, then look for the very special effect ending.

In other news…

I don’t play poker or read novels.

That’s where I am right now, relaxing in the Low Desert. Only a few weeks ago, Andy Roddick and his United States Davis Cup teammates were playing competitive world class tennis literally 150 feet away from my hide-a-bed at Mission Hills Country Club aka Mom’s Place.

Round One against some makeshift country, and I don’t care to research or discuss this any further.

Right elbow is feeling better, hope to return to the mound next week. Check Drudge for breaking news on my ligament.

MySpace is in the new Webster’s Dictionary, replacing the word Friendster. However, no change in the thesaurus.

Taking the day off from Fox Sports, hope that ship can captain itself. I have my doubts, but that’s just me being me - And who am I? Just a guy who has his own weekly segment on Playboy Morning Radio courtesy of Sirius Channel 198.

Had a pretty good meeting today with Spike TV, we discussed a Mystery Science Theater project meets Beavis and Butt-Head in the spirit of Jackass. Maybe not for I, but we’ll see if the money is right.

It’s fun being arrogant! - give it try.

Great night last night on the Westside doing karaoke with famed announcer Joe Buck, actor Dean Cain and Brodway sharp Jason Patric. Oh, you (most involved with comedy) won’t openly respect me, refusing to give proper props? Therefore, I won’t include you.

It’s not fun being paranoid! - don’t give it a try.

But then again, look at my hits on YouTube —> not that impressive.

*sad

Pitched one and a third on Sunday in West LA with Jose Canseco backing me in Left Field. He went deep, a majestic blast with an ALUMINUM bat.

Me? My elbow felt so-so at best in this rehab start. Also took a line drive hit at 107 mph off my right thigh - a major ouch, a ridiculous bruise.

But I stayed in the game.

Next time up, I knocked her down with some chin music —-> keyboard stuff off Limewire.

Zach and I did our thing up in Santa Barbara, a sold out house to say the least.

I did about 25 minutes, setting the table for the man behind Out Cold on Comedy Central.

Fun night all around, great hotel and a wonderful Panda Express on State Street.

And yes, this show will not be available for podcast.